An Open Letter to My Surrogate Child’s Teacher
You may not know that my child was born through gestational surrogacy. But as a teacher, you do need to understand how gestational surrogacy works. Here are the basics that every teacher needs to know:
#1 The surrogate is not my child’s mom. Our surrogate was a superstar. We are so grateful for everything she did for our family. We joke that she’s the ultimate babysitter. But she’s not mom. We don’t call her “mom” and or even “surrogate mom”. I am mom. Plain and simple. If you refer to the surrogate as mom, my son will look at you with confusion. And words do matter very much when it comes to third-party family building.
#2 I am my child’s genetic mother. You know those cute dimples he has? He got those from me. And his learning disability? That’s from me too. My husband and I underwent IVF using my eggs and his sperm. Our fertility clinic then made embryos for us. One of these embryos was transferred to our surrogate’s uterus, and that’s how our genetic son ended up being conceived. We have two more frozen embryos left for an upcoming sibling journey.
#3 Surrogacy is not adoption. Unlike adoption, both my husband and I are our child’s biological parents. We know our son’s family history in detail, because he comes from our genetics. There are no missing pieces of the story here, as there are in many closed adoptions. Nor are there family secrets, as there are with some adoption arrangements. Some families pursuing surrogacy also rely upon an egg donor and/or sperm donor. Again, there won’t be many missing pieces of the puzzle because the intended parents can receive extensive medical history and social information about the donors (and in some cases, the donors are known to the intended parents).
#4 Kids say the funniest things. When she was pregnant, our surrogate’s own kids got used to telling people (even strangers!) that “we are not keeping this baby”. So don’t be surprised if my son asks this question of a pregnant teacher.
#5 Families are different. Thanks to assisted reproduction and third-party reproduction, families can be formed in many different ways and can look very different from each other. Please be mindful of family tree projects because not every child comes from a traditional nuclear family. And please celebrate the many types of families that exist in your classroom.
#6 This is a great opportunity to learn. There are lots of great books out there for kids about surrogacy, like The Very Kind Koala and Surrogacy Helps Make a Family Grow. Please use this opportunity to teach your class more about surrogacy.
Thanks for taking the time to learn about surrogacy! We are looking forward to the school year in your classroom.