Dear Savvy Surrogate: Relationship Between Surrogate And Surro Baby
Dear Savvy Surrogate—
I’ve decided to become a gestational surrogate and will be doing my transfer soon. I’m curious about what my feelings will be toward the surro baby before, during and after pregnancy. Will I bond to the baby like I did my own? Will I be upset after the baby is born? - Need Insight
Every journey is different, and every surrogate is different—depending on her personality. You, of course, will have your own journey and experience; however, based on many of the surrogates who go through this journey with us, we have some general information we can share.
Prior to pregnancy, there’s likely to be a lot of anxiousness, both the good kind and bad. Some gestational carriers are nervous about the process in general because it’s something new and there is a lot of uncertainty in the unknown. There’s also a lot of good anxiousness because you’ve thought long and hard about this decision and you want everything to go smoothly. Especially once you meet the intended parents and hear their story of trying to conceive and see how much this journey means to them. You may want the process to hurry along because you just want them to get their baby so badly! Rest assured…it may seem long and slow during the process, but once you see them hold their baby for the first time, you’ll wonder how everything went so quickly.
During the pregnancy, you’ll have, of course, increased hormones, especially with a surro baby because of the medication used during the early process of sustaining the pregnancy. Increased hormones can mean increased emotions. You may be overwhelmed with joy about the gift you are giving the intended parent(s). Most gestational carriers say that they bond with the baby because the baby is with them the whole time and they feel the baby move, but it’s a different type of bond. You want this baby to be healthy and you want to do everything you can to keep it safe, but you will likely remind yourself that this is not your baby. That maternal bond to ensure the parent(s) get their baby is there, but not the same type of bond when it’s your biological baby.
Naturally, the birth itself is likely the most emotional moment. You’ve gone on a long journey with your intended parent(s) who are finally getting their dream come true. You will have a lot of emotions just seeing their reaction and knowing that YOU helped change their lives. Very occasionally, some surrogates say after the birth there was a small sense of loss in terms of being used to having this child inside of you, kicking and moving, but you’re giving this baby back to its parents whom you’ve gotten to know and grown to love. You know that it is going to a loving home and that will definitely give you peace.
After the parents take the baby home, depending on what you’ve agreed with on communication with the IPs, some surrogates find it helpful to get periodical updates on the baby as it grows. Some prefer to just know that everything is okay and the baby is where it needs to be.
Your journey is unique to you and you have a right to feel any emotions and bond you want, but know that what you are doing is an amazing gift.